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Iratusque Chremes tumido delitigat ore,
Eet tragicus plerumque dolet sermone pedestri
Telephus ae Peleus, quum pauper et exul uterque
Projicit ampullas ac sesquipedalian verba,
Si curat cor spectantis tetigisse querela.
--------HOR. Ars. Poet.
Yet Comedy sometimes her voice may raise,
And angry Chremes rail in swelling phrase:
As oft the tragic language humbly flows;
For Telephus or Peleus, midst the woes
Of poverty or exile, must complain
In prose-like style, must quit the swelling strain,
And words gigantic, if with Nature’s art
They hope to touch the melting hearer’s heart.
Among the peculiar characteristics of modern literature, if literature it may be called, is the employment of long words and bombastic expressions; beneath which, the ignorance of many of those who call themselves literary men, contrives, among the class of their readers, to lie concealed. So that they can work up a sentence into what they call splendour of expression, their object is attained. The justness of the thought, the truth of the observation, or the rectitude of the opinion, had little weight with them. When a common-place remark is thus elevated on stilts, and a vulgar notion, which a few monosyllables might express, is clothes in a gorgeous robe of what Ben Jonson calls Foot and half-foot words, then the pride of fine writing is enjoyed by the fine writers to whom I allude. But the vexation of my mind on the occasion, does not arise so much from the folly of those who write, for they are paid fo it, as the ignorance of those who read, and consequently encourage them; or rather that there should be so large a class of readers so little advanced beyond a state of ignorance, as to encourage such writers. I have sometimes suspected, that the body of printers were at the bottom of this style of writing, as it is a very important change in their favour: it would have been very well worth their while to have given a premium, and a handsome one too, to the writer who, in a certain number of sheets, had demonstrated the happier knack at deviation from simplicity of style and intelligent expression, into exuberant expansion of cogitation, perturbation of imagery, figurative distortions of phraseology, and the adaptation of the greatest number of words from the New London Spelling Book’s catalogue of such as are of five and six syllables. I shall not surely be contradicted in my opinion, that if a Spectator of Mr. Addison (I, of course, mean the subject of it,) were given to one of the professors of the high modern slang, to re-write, he would contrive to wire-draw it into three times its present length. The elegance, the precision, and the simple grace of the original, would probably be overwhelmed by the accumulation of prolongated expressions; but then the augmentation of letter-press would be effectually obtained.
It was a saying of Charles II. that there was no fool so great, but he might find a greater fool to admire him; and to that consolation I leave the class of writers who have called forth these observations, I must beg leave, at the same time, to declare, as an act of justice, that I do not suppose any of them to be concerned in the advertisements of the puffing auctioneers, &c. and the dictatorial information of their catalogues, as it is evident that they are their own scribes. But to proceed to the letter which has occasioned the preceding remarks: whether it is written in solemn belief, that its style is in conformity to what the best critics have considered as elegant, simple, and impressive; whether the writer has given it as an example of what he has worked up in his imagination, to suppose the true, ardent mode of epistolary writing; or whether he wishes to quiz the affectation of adapting high-sounding expressions to common thoughts, or long words to short sentiments, I do not presume to enquire. But be the motive to this composition what it may, I am disposed to think that its uncommon and happy arrangement of pleasing expressions will entertain others as it has amused me.
TO THE MODERN SPECTATOR. PARLIAMENT-COURT, Artillery-place, Aldersgate street. SIR,
The association between the accumulations of science, the scintillations of wit, and the coruscations of genius, which are so perceptible in your monthly effusions, together with that graciousness o encouragement which you manifest with such a characteristic liberality, have induced me to exert my consolidated powers of ratiocination, in order to produce such a combination of grave disquisitions and animating sentimentalities, as may not only be favoured with your distinguishing reception, but be honoured also with your flattering felicitation.
Epistolary lucubrations, I well know, should be written in strict conformity to nature; because nothing but a strict conformity to nature can render any composition beautiful or just: and a departure from familiarity of language can only be justified on occasions not familiar. Whatever elevates the sentiments, will consequently elevate the expressions, and proportionate images will arise at the call of our respective thoughts in characteristic succession and quality. These are the predominating regulations by which, as you must have already observed, I am uniformly governed and influenced in the conformation of my style, and the infusing into it that unbounded vigour which, without any precipitancy of thought, I shall venture to say, is an indubitable and propitiating feature of my writing.
In addressing myself to you, Mr. Spectator, I most solemnly swear by Dionysius Halicarnassus, that I have made no accumulation of preparatory phrases, but have let my thoughts expand in an easy familiar course of investigation, suited to the taste of such polished and fashionable readers as I suppose your’s to be. At present, however, I shall wave any regular and systematic communication to you as I shall wait to know whether this exemplar of my pen creates a votive inclination to have me for a correspondent. I live in the country, as the agreeablements of rurality are most congenial to my dispositions. Nothing is so delectable to me, as a ruminating perambulation beneath overspreading ramifications and intricate interlacements of a corresponding accumulation of umbrageous beauty. Thus becanopied I sit and think, far remote from the ambiguities, impracticabilities, and meteorous pleasures of what is called the world. The turmoil of this metropolitan city I shall leave the day after morrow, and shall expect your notification with great impatience, in your next number, whether my meditations are to be condensed in any of your future pages. I beg you will permit me to conclude with a sonorous, comprehensive, and respectful declaration, that I am your most obedient, humble servant,
Aaron Turgid
I think it right to insert the following letter, though I am by no means qualified to answer the query. If my correspondent has a fancy for a lawsuit, and wishes to keep a court of justice in a roar of laughter, let him transfer the question from me to the first attorney he meets, and he will be completely gratified.
TO THE MODERN SPECTATOR. FINSBURY-SQUARE. SIR,
I am a respectable wholesale dealer in the city, and having taken my son into partnership, I can now and then spare a few weeks to go to the sea-side, as salt water has been successfully recommended to me for a scorbutic habit of body, with which I have been afflicted for some years, and is sometimes attended with very unpleasant effects. The symptoms appearing about three months ago, which turned my attention to the sea-coast, I went to the inn to take a place in the stage-coach for Worthing: the places, however, being taken for a fortnight to come, I was ruminating in what manner I should proceed; when a well looking, smiling gentleman came into the coach-office to make a similar enquiry. Our mutual disappointment brought on a conversation, which ended in an agreement to hire a post-chaise to take us throughout our journey.
On the day appointed we accordingly set out, and our first stage passed very agreeably, for he was one of the funniest men I ever saw in my life and had something pleasant to say to every one with whom we had the least communication. But our harmony began to suffer an interruption on remounting the chaise after we had stopped to breakfast. I had been for so many years accustomed to take my pipe, which I had nothing to do, that I could not give it up on the present occasion, and my smoking in the chaise brought on some pretty sharp remonstrances. I was also in the habit of taking assifoetida pills, and their accidental effects added to his discontents; but as the chaise was paid for to our journey’s end, I knew he could not help himself; and, on my telling him, that a companion in a post-chaise, was taken like a companion for life, for better and for worse, he said, he had not thought of that, and seemed to be satisfied. We had not, however, proceeded above a couple of miles, when I perceived something rather queer in his appearance; and, on enquiring into the cause of it, he told me, with a melancholy look, not to be alarmed, but that he had unfortunately been bit by a dog who was supposed to be mad; and was advised by the physician of Bedlam Hospital to go to the sea-side for the benefit of bathing in salt water, as a preventive of his going mad himself. He, however, with a kind of hesitating speech, entreated me to suppress my fears, and assured me, that I might be quite at my ease, and need not apprehend any mischief till he began to bark like a dog, of which he did not feel any immediate symptoms. This intelligence, however, put an end to my smoking, and while I was thinking what was to be done, we came to a brook, when I perceived he began to roll his eyes and grind his teeth; and just as we got into the middle of the stream, he set up a barking just like our Newfoundland mastiff, Caesar; when I opened the chaise-door, and thinking it better to risk the being drowned, than being mad, I made but one step into the water; when he, in a rage, threw my cloak-bag after me, but as he did not seem disposed to follow, I loudly told the post-boy to take him away as fast as he could, and not trouble himself any further about me. I took refuge in a neighbouring inn, where I staid three days before I was sufficiently recovered from my fright and my sousing, to resume my journey. At length, I took the opportunity of a stage-coach, and arrived safe at my journey’s end. Having smoked a couple of pipes after dinner, and taken my usual quantity of wine, and being withal tired of my own company, I went to the play, and on entering the theatre, who should I see performing the character of Romeo, but my mad companion in the post-chaise! This was a perfect mystery to me; but the waiter at the inn unraveled it. The story had got to Worthing before me, and was the conversation of the place; for it turned out, that this impudent player, to get rid, as he said, of my tobacco and assifoetida pills, had feigned himself mad to have the chaise to himself. But this was not all,--I was a subject of laughter wherever I went; and the saucy boys of the place thought it good fun to begin barking whenever I appeared. It is scarcely credible, but the vagabond of an actor had the impudence to solicit me to take some tickets for his benefit, though he had announced as part of the entertainments, the celebrated song of Bow, wow, wow. In short, I found it absolutely necessary for my comfort to remove to Brighton.
Surely, If there is law or justice in the country, I shall be able to make this audacious fellow pay for his tricks. As you appear to be a person of superior knowledge, you may be able to advise me on the subject, without having a professional interest to answer. In so doing, you will greatly oblige
Your constant reader,
TIMOTHY SMOKER.