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Constiterant hine Thisbe, Pyramus illine,
Inque vicem fuerat captatus anhelitus oris.
OVID Met. l. iv. V.71.
Here Pyramus, there gentle Thisbe strove
To catch each other’s breath, the balmy breeze of love.
If my memory does not fail me, I have read somewhere, though I do not recollect in what author, the following curious description of a love-scene, or an animated courtship between two persons in an inferior class of life. It was acted in the face of any passenger in the street who thought proper to stand still and observe it. A maid was rubbing the windows of a gentleman's house within, and her humble admirer, the footman, was so fortunate as to be employed in cleaning the same panes of glass in the more exposed situation on the side towards the street. After a short parley, which was not audible, the house-maid began, with an aspect that marked nothing more than attention to the work in hand; and, breathing on the glass, followed the vapour with a dry cloth, that she employed with utmost activity in every direction and figure in which her hands could move, or the space would allow. The footman, after looking at her for a moment, fetched a sigh, that seemed to come from the bottom of his heart; and, with rather a disconsolate air, began his operations, after the fair one’s example, on his side of the window. He continued to work on in silence, and with evident looks of disappointment, till at length the fair one smiled, and, with all the symptoms of genuine coquetry, threw from between her red pouting lips, a mist on every spot, as it became sufficiently transparent for him to view her. With this artifice, and the aid of her napkin, she contrived to conceal herself from her admirer; while he, with the most ardent impetuosity, endeavoured to countermine her operations, and to work through every thing that interrupted his view of her. This animated contest held for several large panes of glass, until the amorous waggery was changed into the more familiar act of breathing in each other's faces, and catching the impression. Thus these fond and lively fellow-servants indulged their imaginations with their nearness and distance from each other, until the window became at length so transparent, that the charms of the Abigail so enlivened the knight of the shoulder-knot, that he jumped in at the window, and game at romps ensued, which hurried the parties, with much playfulness, through a door into another room, where their supportive contest was no longer visible.
The recollection of this little amusing story has suggested to me certain ideas, on the vast variety of what are called courtships, previous to, or with a view to produce the hymeneal connection; from the highest ranks of life, to those classes who earn their bread by the sweat of their brow, or even such as profess to subsist by the alms which they solicit. Indeed, I myself remember, that in the course of a tour through one of our distant counties I witnessed a most joyous scene, produced by a large gang of gypsies, who were celebrating a marriage which had taken place among that fraternity.
Hogarth has, with his inimitable pencil, in his series of prints, with the title of Marriage a la Mode, displayed the courtship between nobility and wealth, ancient blood and vulgar origin, and an alliance between an house in Grosvenorsquare and a shop on London bridge. This idea of the varieties and motives of love-making, might furnish a numerous succession of serious, comical, and moral pictures; and if Mr. Ackermann could persuade his friends, Mr. Rowlandson and Dr. Syntax, to unite their labours in such an undertaking, a most amusing, interesting, and, I shall add, instructive volume might be added to his respectable publications. But this by the way, for I merely intend what I have written to serve ad an introduction to a letter which I have received from a complaining and disappointed correspondent, who, with a very independent property, has not been able to persuade any young gentlewoman, for that is his expression, to go to church with him. This misfortune, for such he seriously considers it to be, he attributes, with great simplicity, to his deficiency in the arts of courtship; and he applies to me, to favor him with my opinion, and to give him such instruction as may render him more successful than he has hitherto been in his attempts to enter the Temple of Hymen. But I shall let him speak for himself, which he does, pretty much at large, in the following letter:
TO THE MODERN SPECTATOR. Would-be Grove. SIR,
I am a young man--I beg your pardon for changing the expression, but to do myself justice, and to appear in my proper character to you, I am a young gentleman of twenty-three years of age, and possess an estate of eighteen hundred pounds a year, three hundred of which I farm myself, and am supposed to understand country matters as well as most gentlemen; --indeed, which is some proof of it, I became last year a member of your famous Agricultural Society in London. I am, besides, lord of the manor, and have a very good house, with a fine sheepwalk round it, and a large canal at the bottom of my garden, full of carp and tench. I sit in a fine family pew when I go to church, and have lately taken down the old green and yellow lining, and fitted it up with a bright red cloth, with a fringe, and covered the cushions with the same, so that they are fit for any lady in the land to sit upon and say her prayers, or sing psalms if she pleases. Indeed, to say the truth, they are so nice and soft, that I can never hear the parson's sermon through without falling asleep. I have also been summoned upon three grand juries, and it has been hinted to me, that it may not be long before I am nominated high sheriff of the county. I was educated in Latin by our vicar, who is said to be a great scholar; and in writing and accounts by the exciseman in our parish. I am also thought to dance very well, having been taught by the merry-andrew of a mountebank, who comes every year into this neighborhood, and had been a tumbler at Sadler's Wells, near London. My father wished to send me to a free-school, but my grandmother, who had money to leave, said it would only corrupt my morals; and accordingly I was educated at home. Besides, I am an officer in the yeoman cavalry, and I have overheard it said, when we have been out at exercise, that I have more the looks of a real soldier than any one in the troop. Nor is this all, Mr. Spectator; for , though I do not pretend to make any great boast of it, I am of a very ancient family; as Mr. Serjeant Bother'em, a great lawyer who comes our circuit, told me once at the assizes, which I went to ask his opinion relative to my right to a water-course, that he believed the family of the Would-be’s was co-eval with the creation of man.
Under these circumstances I turned my thoughts toward marriage, and looked about me, to fix on some young gentlewoman whom I might lead, as the newspapers call it, to the alter of Hymen. I am not anxious after fortune; for, tho' I know how to take care of my money, I hate and abominate an avaricious principle; and so that she was of an agreeable person, and understood the manners of a gentlewoman, whether she had one thousand or ten thousand pounds as a marriage portion, was not a serious consideration with me.
Now there were several fair ones in my part of the country that I thought would suit me; but I was determined to feel my way with them all, before I made a formal proposal to any one of them. This I thought might be done by certain compliments, and sly hints, and conversations half joking and half earnest. Accordingly I set out a knight-erranting, as I think it is called; and I made my first set at the house of a baronet, who had seven daughters, all of them agreeable young ladies; and I was cock sure, to use a sportsman’s phrase, that, out of this fine covey, I should be sure to kill my bird. Accordingly, as I was walking with them on the lawn after dinner, I seized the opportunity of taking from my pocket a small looking-glass, in a red Morocco case, and presenting it to the youngest of the ladies, assured her, with all the gravity I could muster up, that if she would open it, she would see the exact representation of the prettiest woman in the world; when, having adjusted her hair by it, she coolly returned it to me, and told me, if I would look at it, I should see the portrait of the greatest clodpole on earth. This repartee produced a most violent shout of laughter from them all; when Sir William, to save me as well he could from my state of confusion, exclaimed, "Never mind them, my good friend, seven to one is too much for any man, so come and play a game of bowls with the gentlemen:" upon which being nettled on the occasion, I replied at once, and without the least hesitation, "That I will with all my heart, Sir William; for I perceive, if one attempts to play at bowls with the ladies, one is sure to meet with rubbers." This occasioned another shout from the misses, who, as with one voice, cried out, "O what wit ! what a delightful repartee ! and so very original!" and then they all ran off laughing to a distant part of the garden.
My next attempt was upon the daughter of Squire Hawker, who, in his sporting rambles, frequently gives me a call; and as he always says I have the best Port wine in the country, he proves the truth of his opinion, by never failing to take a couple of bottles of it. In a visit to his house accidentally on purpose, Miss Hawker, in a discourse with another lady about dress, happened to say, that red suited her complexion best; when I immediately observed, that if she would come to our church, she should sit in my pew, which was lately lined with fine scarlet cloth, where I was sure she would look like an angel; "and who knows," I added, "but we might both find ourselves in an humour to go to the alter for you know what?"—"That," she replied, with a kind of simper, "is a proceeding which requires no small consideration; and, in the mean time, it would be perfectly gallant, if you would pull down half a dozen yards of that self-same scarlet cloth, to make me a riding-dress." That thought I, is a good hint, however; so I sent for my tailor, who is a knowing kind of fellow, having served his time in London, and told him to contrive, somehow or other, to get the lady’s size, and make her a smart riding-dress, according to the latest fashion, and of her favorite colour. This was no sooner said than done, and a dollar bribed one of the family to introduce it into her private room, without pretending to know from whence it came. In a few days after, the lady’s father called upon me, to take a couple of bottles of the best wine in the county; and at the same time he thanked me, on behalf of his daughter, for my handsome present; as they all knew immediately, from the very genteel manner in which it was done, that it came from me. I now thought things were in a fair train, and too an early opportunity to see Miss Hawker; nor did I fail to ask her when I should be permitted to see her in the riding-dress. After thanking me for my gallantry, she said, that as the family were going into mourning for an aunt who was just dead, she had sent it to be dyed black. I immediately replied, that I could not but wish it had been true blue. "Heavens forbid!" she cried, "for then I might be supposed to belong to one or other of those stupid and stupefying creatures, the yeoman cavalry." At this I was perfectly astounded, as you must know, Mr. Spectator, that blue is the colour to which I belong. I accordingly took my leave in a huff, and am determined that Mr. Hawker shall never drink any more of the best wine in the county in my house. I need not add, I think, that I am for ever cured of the gallantry of contriving to send riding-dresses to young ladies.
I shall trouble you only with one more of my disappointments in going a courting, though I could tell half a dozen more, at least. It is as follows:--
Happening to be at a poney-race, a widow lady, who lives very genteely with an only daughter, on the side of the common where this sport took place, invited me to take a dish of tea with her; and she sent the message by a servant in a very handsome livery. It accordingly occurred to me, to turn this circumstance to the account of what is ever uppermost in my mind. In the course of the conversation, the good lady observed, that she should never consent to her daughter’s going to the alter of Hymen, unless her lover conducted her in his own carriage. On this hint, as it appeared to me, I said that I had a very smart postchaise, and had lately bought a very handsome pair of black, long-tailed horses at Northampton fair; and if Miss Peacock, for that was the lady's name, was disposed to take a jaunt to this self-same alter of Hymen, I was ready to attend her in my carriage; and that my fine black horses, with their long tails, should draw her thither. Now I expected thanks, at least, for my civil offer, when Mrs. Peacock drew up her head, and desired I would keep my vulgar, filthy ideas to myself; and miss, but in a less angry tone of voice, advised me to put my black horses with their long tails into one of my own carts, and drive it myself to Northampton fair, to fetch back a sufficient quantity of calves to keep up the breed at Would-be-Grove. I need not add how this visit ended.
I hope you will pardon me, Mr. Spectator, but there is one little story more, which I had forgot, and I wish to relate it, because it is a good one, and has some fun in it.
I was one day out with Squire Harkaway's hounds, when we killed a fox close to his park-pales; and he accordingly asked all the company up to the hall to take some refreshment. Observing, as we were enjoying ourselves, a large pair of stag's antlers over the chimney-piece, on which the gentlemen hung their hats, I said to one of the Miss Harkaways, that I would make interest with her to procure me a pair next buck season, to put up in my hall. This she very obligingly promised to do next summer, "But let me advise you," she added, "to take care that the horns did not, somehow or other, get from the wall to my head."--"I think," I replied, "while there is such a horsewhip as this in my hand to be found in my house, she will be a bold woman that does it; for I would certainly flog her through every room of the house, till I flogged her out of it." The squire instantly clapped me on the back, and said, that he had not heard so good a thing for many a day.
Now, Mr. Spectator, you have the full and true account of my situation; and I look to you for the best advice you can give me on the occasion. At the same time, you must know, that if I do not hear satisfactorily from you in the course of a fortnight, I shall settle myself in another way, as you shall hear.
My dairy-woman has a niece, who is the picture of beauty and innocence. But do not be alarmed, I shall never act as Jack Scapegrace, of our corps, is continually persuading me to do: I will never set a bad example to my neighbourhood. Then there is the vicar’s daughter, though no so handsome, she is a nice notable young woman, and performs on the piano-forte. She sing the song of Sweet Willy O, which is my name, most delightfully, and plays the Volunteer’s March with great spirit. Now, if you do not instruct me how to pursue my original plan without the risque of being laughed at and ridiculed, one of these females I will certainly marry, and shortly too. You cannot, therefore, do me a greater favour than by sending an immediate answer to
Your most obedient, humble servant,
WILLIAM WOULD-BE.