THE MODERN SPECTATOR No. XXIII

TO THE MODERN SPECTATOR. SIR,

I am a gentleman of studious character, scientific pursuits, and independent fortune. My residence is in a narrow street, in a retired part of the town, which I preferred from the circumstance of a large house and handsome gardens, and some other conveniences suited to my favourite occupations, which the more fashionable districts could not afford me.—But I hasten to the subject of my complaint, and the cause of this intrusion upon you.

I have already observed, that the street where I have taken up my residence, and propose to pass some years of my life, is narrow. Indeed, so limited is the breadth of it, that it is no difficult matter for any of its inhabitants, if they should be so disposed, to make themselves acquainted with the concerns of their opposite neighbors.

This leading point being settled, I must beg leave to inform you, that the family who occupy the house immediately opposite to mine, seem to have little or no employment, but in watching my door, and peeping into the several rooms of my house which front the street. This they do with a regularity and a perseverance sufficient almost to justify a suspicion, that some real and most essential benefit was derived to them from their unremitting vigilance. Indeed, they carry their curiosity to such an extraordinary degree of minuteness, that they are not merely content with flying to their windows whenever there is a rap at my door; but, as my laundry is at the top of the house, they will mount to their garrets to examine the periodical occupations of it. But before I proceed to give a more particular detail of their proceedings, I shall endeavour to present you with an account of the parties from whom they originate.

This family consists of Mr., Mrs., and the two Miss Quicksights; an old and a young female servant, with a little smart girl of about ten years of age, who is said to be the grandchild of the elderly domestic; a circumstance on which I shall make no other observation, but that none of the neighbours believe it, and that the milkman who serves both families, has figuratively declared to my wife’s femme de chambre, a very chattering kind of body, that the girl is as like the eldest miss as two drops of cream. But this by the way.

Mr. Quicksight is an elderly man, of a very decent appearance; his good lady seems to be at least as old as himself, but dresses rather smart for her time of life. The two Miss Quicksights have little to boast as to figure or beauty, but they are very attentive to the changes of fashion, and constantly appear in all cuts and colours of it. Our Kitty Pry, whom I have already mentioned, and who will sometimes tell a bit of news of our neighbours, in spite of the continual prohibitions of her mistress, positively asserts, that they make all their dresses themselves, which I think is much to their honour, though probably they may not be of the same opinion; but however that may be, they never fail to be the smartest figures in the chapel which we frequent, and from whose morning duties they never absent themselves.

The father of this family is seldom at home; he goes out soon after breakfast, and seldom returns till the hour of dinner; and within an hour after his meal, he issues forth again, rather better dressed, as it may be supposed, to some evening club or coffee-house. They sometimes have company, and whenever that is the case, their windows are thrown open to let the neighbors see the preparations that they are making, and the quantity of plate that is brought forth on the occasion, and in no common abundance. Kitty Pry says, that Mr. Quicksight has been a silversmith, and that this display is the remains of his stock in trade. She also has been informed, that at these entertainments a journeyman watchmaker officiates as a servant out of livery. This talkative minx has also another pretty little opinion, which is, that this poor man must be glad to get out of his house, as she is sure he has a terrible life among them; for that on Sundays they stuff out his pockets with their prayer-books, and, if it looks like rain, they send him forward with all their umbrellas.

As for the ladies, against whom I have to make my complaint, their principal employment seems to be that of watching every circumstance without my house, and, as far as their penetrating eyes can reach, every thing that passes within it. If my door is saluted with a single rap, it is a summons for one or other of them to come to the window; but if the signal should be of a more gentlemanly sound, then the two misses never fail to appear; and if a coach should stop, then the mother is sure to be of the party. It was but yesterday that I happened to be at the window, when the carriage of a noble lord who sometimes does me the honour of a visit, stopped at my door, with a notification at it that thundered throughout the neighbourhood: This important event happened at the moment when the Quicksights were at dinner; and the whole family instantly appeared at the windows, and, as it seemed, in such haste, that they came with their mouths full of meat; so that they continued, father, and mother, and misses, looking with all their eyes, and chewing with all their jaws, at least till the arrival of my visitor drew my attention to a better object. It might be almost supposed that a kind of sympathetic impulse existed between the knocker of my door and the heads of the opposite neighbours of mine. But this curiosity never gave me any concern; my wife, who is a woman of superior understanding, used sometimes to pity the folly of it; and we never considered this idle attention to our concerns with the least sense of displeasure, till, from a particular circumstance, I began to suspect, and some subsequent, as well as very peculiar information convinced me, that an envious malignity was blended with their over curious attention to us.

It has long been a practice with me to give an handsome dinner every Sunday to my literary friends, and I seldom have less than a dozen persons of learning and science at my table on that day: but as my invitations are not particularly addressed to men of fashion and fortune, but to those who are distinguished by intellectual eminence; and as it too frequently happens, that such persons are not so much the favourites of Plutus as they are of Apollo, and not so attentive to exterior appearance as to interior attainments, my visitors are sometimes, in their figure and fashion, not exactly suited to the fancy of young ladies, who judge of a man from the cut of his pantaloons.

Sunday, therefore, was a day of great curiosity to the Quicksight family; and as my company arrive, they make their observations, let loose their shoutings, and indulge their laughter, in a way that is not only unpolite, but actually illiberal and indecent. One of my particular friends, whom I see frequently, and can never see too often, at my weekly table, is unfortunately very deformed; but those who know him, lose all sense of the imperfection of his figure in the perfections of his mind. It came to my knowledge, very accidentally, that in the last spring, when these misses had thrown open their windows for a more complete indulgence of their reigning propensity, they offered their insults, and indulged their mockery, on this excellent man’s unhappy shape, with so little reserve, that it must have reached his ears, as it did those of every casual passenger. He probably pitied their folly, and forgot it; for it was not from him that I received the intimation of such unfeeling ribaldry.

I was not without a sense of resentment at this abominable conduct, but I thought that a complaint to the offending parties would rather gratify their malignity than remedy the evil, so I let it pass on and continue without any apparent attention from me. My life, I thank Heaven, is too happy to be disturbed, and my pursuits too important to be interrupted, by such ignorant vagaries. I have, however, lately discovered, that these idle, silly, vulgar people, not only watch every action of me and my family, count and observe upon every person who comes to my door, but that they make regular minutes of every thing they see, in a daily register, and accompany these curious items with such observations as may be suggested by their low minds, uncultivated understandings, and envious dispositions.

It so happened that my baker, who also serves the Quicksights in that necessary capacity, received a cake from the little girl in that family, with orders to bake it with great care. It was closely covered with a sheet of paper, and the baker happened to see my name upon it, shewed it to my cook, whose curiosity induced her, very unceremoniously, to strip the gateau of its clothing, and hurry into the kitchen; where its contents underwent, I need not say, a very severe examination; for it was discovered, that the servants were treated with as little reserve as their master and mistress. This paper proved to be a loose sheet of the Quicksight Diary, which had thus accidentally come into the possession of the very persons who were certainly not intended to have been favoured with the perusal of it.

I shall hope to amuse you with a specimen of this extraordinary family journal.

”THE BONHAMS.

”Saturday, May 1.—Nobody called all this morning but tradesmen, who all seemed to have very dunning faces. Some people had better lay down their coach, and pay poor honest people what they owe them.

”Mrs. B-------- went out in her carriage at one: she looks very mild, and gentle, and all that: but I much doubt her gentleness; for the children, who are charming little cherubs, look, poor things, as if they were very ill treated.—Ordered to drive to Kensington Gardens. To be sure we must appear to be persons of fashion!

”Not a creature called during the evening.—A pretty stupid tete-a-tete, I’ll warrant you.

”Sunday.—The Bonhams all walk to church, with their servants in their cock’d hats and best liveries.—A pretty deal of pride with all this humility!

”Sunday is the grand dinner day: a fine Christian way of keeping the Sabbath, with their stuffing, and guttling, and drinking!—Their usual ragamuffin company came from four till five. The ordinary succession of rusty black coats, shabby hats, and oil-skin umbrellas. A gentleman arrived late, very well dressed; the coach very handsome—who can he be?—The lady with him a fashionable-looking woman, rather handsome; but if she does not paint red and white, I don’t know the colour of chalk and brickdust.—Who can these people be? The company staid late: as Fusty Bonham had, for once, got a gentleman to dine with him, he was determined to keep him as long as he could.

”Monday.—The cook scolded the baker for at least five minutes. I’ll be whipped if that woman does not drink.

A coach with a mitre came about two, with a fine looking man of a bishop. I’ll be shot if I should not like to be confirmed by him. How come Fusty Bonham to be acquainted with a bishop?—He must be some distant relation; for we saw him very plainly in the drawing room, take the two children upon his knees, and fondle them. He must be a good-natured, delightful man! O heavens, how I do wish to be confirmed by him! Looked into Debrett’s Peerage, to see the coats of arms of the bishops, to discover who he is: found him to be an Irish bishop. O dear heart!—well I do think that I would go to Ireland to be confirmed by him.—He staid two hours.—I’ll be hanged if I have not found it out:--Fusty Bonham is an Irishman.--Mem. Mrs. B------’s woman talked with the bishop’s servant for three quarters of an hour, by our clock, through the rails of the area. She had a word or two also for the coachman; but she has a word or two for any body.

”Tuesday.—Nobody called this morning but a milliner with a bandbox. She looked as if she did not like to leave it without the money. About three, a lady arrived in a handsome post-chaise and four, with a woman servant and two outriders.—On entering the drawingroom, how Fusty Bonham did kiss her! and then he drew the curtains. The pot-boy at the Dragon says, it is Bonham’s sister, arrived from Yorkshire: but I will not believe it; brothers don’t kiss sisters in that way.

”Wednesday.—Mem. Neither butcher, nor butterer, nor fishmonger, has called at the B------‘s this week. They have of course been living for these three days on the remains of Sunday’s dinner. Some people may be satisfied with a good dinner once a week, so that they ride in their coach the other six.”

I shall trouble you, Mr. Spectator, with no more of this curious manuscript. But, without suffering my comforts to be affected by such ignorant and worthless people, I cannot help considering their conduct as a nuisance, which ought to be removed. Now, as there is no method of presenting them by a grand jury, suffer me to present them in this manner to you; and I am confident that you will receive the acknowledgments of many others besides those of

Your obliged, humble servant,

Augustus Bonham

I cannot, Mr. Spectator, resist calling your further attention to a circumstance which took place within a couple of hours after I had written the rough draft of the foregoing letter.

Being in my laboratory, pursuing some chemical experiments, a smart young man was introduced to me on the part of the Quicksights. He stated, that he lately made acquaintance with that respectable family, and had a very tender interest in the happiness and honour of the young ladies, by one of whom he was received as a lover; and that she had been very much insulted and distressed by one of my servants, who, from one of the upper windows in my house, had exposed a part of himself which ought to be kicked as long as a foot could be found to kick it. In short, he came to inform me, that he was an attorney, and had received instructions from Mr. Quicksight to proceed against me. I knew nothing of what had happened, and assured him, it was without my approbation or connivance; at the same time, I did not hesitate to observe, that the continual gazing and inquisitive faces of the Quicksight family from every window in their house, was equally unpleasant to me; I also added, that it would be a curious question for a court of law to determine—what parts of the human body it was illegal to expose from a window, as eyes might be as offensive as any other portion of it. He said, he loved Miss Wilhelmina Quicksight, and would not suffer her to be insulted while he had power to take out a writ in her defense. I observed, that he certainly proved himself a very fond and generous lover, as the first present he made to the lady and her family, was that which he most valued himself, a litigious and expensive suit at law. My gentleman was now beginning to be impertinent, when, as I was about my chemical process, by which I could, without any danger, cause a considerable explosion, I immediately produced a very serious bounce; when the attorney instantly burst out of the room, darted through the street door, overturned a baker’s basket into the dirt, tumbled himself into the kennel, and sought, amidst filth and fear, the condolence and cleansing attention of Miss Wilhelmina Quicksight. Of the threatened prosecution I have heard nothing, but I understand that the baker has summoned the attorney to the court of conscience for the injury done to his bread.